Looking back, I realize that when I created this work, I was going through an extremely painful breakup.
Even so, the reason I continued to make work about that person was a desperate hope—if I do this, will they look back at me?
I kept painting without rest. For nearly five months, I think.
On the days I did not paint, I stayed alone, reading tarot cards and crying.
On the days I did not paint, I stayed alone, reading tarot cards and crying.
But that person never returned. By around July, I began to slowly regain my balance.
I started seeking new connections. I was deeply lonely.
Yet the people I met during that fragile state had no intention of forming something serious with me.
I started seeking new connections. I was deeply lonely.
Yet the people I met during that fragile state had no intention of forming something serious with me.
At that point, I no longer cried. Instead, I felt suffocated and began smoking.
I even tried the cigarettes my ex used to smoke. I suddenly understood why he smoked so often, and that realization made me collapse again.
He liked sweet things, and that cigarette had a strangely sweet taste.
I even tried the cigarettes my ex used to smoke. I suddenly understood why he smoked so often, and that realization made me collapse again.
He liked sweet things, and that cigarette had a strangely sweet taste.
I returned to school while still emotionally broken.
Without anyone to lean on, a deep sense of lethargy came over me for the first time in a long while.
I kept asking myself, Why am I like this? and analyzed everything alone.
Beyond the breakup itself, I realized this was tied to my long-standing issues with emotional deprivation.
Without anyone to lean on, a deep sense of lethargy came over me for the first time in a long while.
I kept asking myself, Why am I like this? and analyzed everything alone.
Beyond the breakup itself, I realized this was tied to my long-standing issues with emotional deprivation.
As time passed, all I could see were the harmful behaviors of my ex—his gaslighting, which made me constantly question my own sanity.
Once the illusion completely faded, I recognized that he was not a good person.
I felt foolish for having entered that relationship so naively at twenty, and for staying in it for over two years.
Once the illusion completely faded, I recognized that he was not a good person.
I felt foolish for having entered that relationship so naively at twenty, and for staying in it for over two years.
Still, through this experience of separation, I gained many realizations and grew from it.
December 30, 2025
사실 이제와서 말하는 것이지만, 이 그림 그렸을 당시 이별하고 정말 힘들었 던 시기였다.
그런데도 그 사람에 대한 작업을 했던 것은... '이렇게라도 하면 나를 다시 봐 줄까?라는 간절함이었다.
그렇게 계속 쉴 틈 없이 그림을 그렸다. 거의 5개월 넘게?
그림을 안 그리는 날에는 혼자 타로를 보면서 울었다.
그러나 그 사람은 정말 돌아오지 않았고, 7월 쯤부터 좀 추스러가는 것 같았다.
새로운 인연을 찾아다녔다. 너무 외로웠으니 말이다.
하지만 그런 아픈 상태에 만나는 인연들은 죄다 나랑 진지하게 이어갈 생각 이 없었다.
그땐 눈물같은 것도 나지 않았다. 너무 답답해서 담배를 폈다. 전남친이 자주 폈던 담배도 펴봤다. 왜 자주 폈는지 알 것 같아서 그때 또 무너져내렸다.
달달한 것을 좋아했던 사람이었고, 그 담배는 정말 단맛이 났다.
망가져 있는 상태로 복학을 했다.
힘들 때 지탱해줄 존재가 없으니 정말 오랜만에 크나큰 무기력증이 찾아왔다.
'나 왜 이러지?'라는 생각으로 계속 또 혼자 분석을 했다. 뭐 이건 전남친을 떠나서 나의 오랜 애정결핍 문제긴 하다.
시간이 지나서, 전남친이 했던 쓰레기 행보들만 생각났다. 온갖 가스라이팅 으로 내가 이상한가? 라는 생각을 들게 했던.
콩깍지가 완전 벗겨지고 그 사람이 좋은 사람이 아니었다는 걸 깨달았다.
뭣모르고 스무살에 시작해서 2년 넘게 만났던 내가 바보같았다.
그렇지만 나는 이 이별 경험으로 많은 깨달음을 얻었고 성장했다.
2025년 12월 30일